• 3 Posts
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Joined 5 months ago
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Cake day: October 17th, 2024

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  • My name is his, my last name means he who supplants.

    I do not feel I am god, nor that I am Jesus. I just want to be. Since 8 I wanted to be a buddhist. At my age now, I just want to find meaning in the madness I witness.

    The only meaning seems simple, a stoic life. An ancient philosophy, far beyond mine. I regularly use weed and it’s how I was allowed time to meditate. I felt i could control my thoughts finally, and all I see is to be kind.

    Now my dependency is ending, for I have found what I want to do. I want to help people, the only thing I wanted as a child. I was just too afraid.

    I regularly drink, eat and sleep. I am happy with my life and this is not ego, narcissism, or anything. I feel shame, for I feel unworthy, incapable. The only thing I have is my name, my part in the script the world orients.

    An act most heathenous and self righteous.

    I appreciate your input. As I know these things and it is nice to reflect and put these thoughts to writing. It is why I asked here, only social forum I can see genuine interactions.

    I do not feel I am god, or Jesus. I am me. Think more the eastern philosophy of upbringing. How you raise someone, with a set of expectations of beliefs and ideas. Eventually someone will roll the dice, in the right storm to form. Every person is unique for this very reason. It’s why I fear, I do not want to forfeit my life, my comforts, for this. I am content, however I find it inexcusable to take my wants over those of the ones I encounter.








  • I love everybody. It’s a hardship unduly deserved, but a burden I must carry.

    I have a hard time finding a memory of favor, for all feel sick and frightening. I’d constantly have PTSD nightmares about my inability to fight back, it’d merely tickle him.

    He was but a child without the chance to live. He hurt me so harshly, yet my father had hurt him more. By his abuse, my brother chose the safety of the streets, rather than the shelter of love.

    I don’t blame him, I almost became him, I was just lucky. An agonizing fortune.

    I wish he wasn’t gone, he deserved his life as much as any of us. He had found god and began repenting. He knew they were killing his old gang mates and he was not long for this world if he stayed in Chicago.

    I too would rather die near mother, than coward away. For what is life if not taking a stand and declaring your intent on this world. He had found god in his final weeks, he said to my mother, “He is your compensation for all the misery you have experienced.”

    I hate that he gave me such beauty and value, because everyday I have to make sure he’s right. Otherwise I have forgotten him. What would his suffering bring if not my compassion for mankind.